Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
How did we not see this back then?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby