dude it’s called proctologist
You Might Also Like
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me too door. Me too.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies