@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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@shutupmikeginn

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

@Rollinintheseat

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

@TheFirstDudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@Laser_Cat

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

@ArfMeasures

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

@RunwayDan

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

@kevinthedad

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.