We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?