We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.