We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.


If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs


They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.


I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.


“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”


My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.


Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker