We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry


When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.


HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair


Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.


My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more


I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.