Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A leaf blower, but for people.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.