Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
o shit
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Nothing.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Happy Friday
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.