please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I wish this was real life…
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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