BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Noted.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.