Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.