Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
broke down and did it
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross