I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell