[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My birthstone is a marshmallow
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now