My birthstone is a marshmallow
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Natural selection at its finest
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]