First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Close call…
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!