[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.