[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Well, this certainly took a turn
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I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic