I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
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Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Whatever you鈥檙e giving up for lent, I鈥檒l take it.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn鈥檛 like the way she agreed with me
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn鈥檛 ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?