Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore