Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup