@BirdiePanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

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@ItsAndyRyan

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

@greek_heanen

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

@

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The Chosen Phew

@Thateverydayguy

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

@Eithercryingor

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

@chrisanna4real

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.