Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.