Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*