Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
![]()
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
this post was so formative to me
![]()
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
![]()