[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
You Might Also Like
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me recordaron éste meme
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way