You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
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[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?