Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*