Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.