Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Good dog. ❤️
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.