@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

You Might Also Like

@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

@3sunzzz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@HeyoShellz

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@moonstruckinnyc

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*