#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Denise please return my vape pen
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday