Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.