#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.