Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
we all know this pain all too well
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*