@beingCelestial_ When your man makes a valid point
@CliffDuffy Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
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@beingCelestial_ 
@sofarrsogud [Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
@MadHatterMommy Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
@oxygenplug *you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
@JennyJohnsonHi5 It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
@DiamondLou69 I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
@JordanFoisy In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
@mommajessiec Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
@2tickytacky I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
@Tmoney68 I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.