GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.


Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.


Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.


*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”


Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.


Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long


*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this