@Jandalize Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
@bea_ker GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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@Jandalize 
@LilyRoseLynn If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
@xLiserx Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
@robin_991 Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
@Proxic0n *Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
@weinerdog4life Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
@samdunsiger Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
@BDGarp When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
@LuvPug If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
@lisaxy424 *finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this