GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.