@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

You Might Also Like

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@robin_991

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

@Proxic0n

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@weinerdog4life

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

@samdunsiger

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

@BDGarp

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

@LuvPug

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

@lisaxy424

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this