The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
what could possibly go wrong?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.