Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.