God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You Might Also Like
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.