You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
i now pronounce you bounced.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic