My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
This is the one
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.