My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.