I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
i meant to share this earlier
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.