Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
getting groceries
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.