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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
British websites use biscuits.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head