They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
You Might Also Like
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.