Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
groan^2
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.