After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.