I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full