Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Not my job 😂
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.