Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I love you…
…r dog.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.