Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Sooo many times…..
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.