Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?