Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?![]()
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
figuring out my emotional availability:
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.