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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.