A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I enjoy a good short stor
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?