Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I drew y’all a little something.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*