*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!