[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.