@TopherKearby

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@karanbirtinna

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

@skickwriter

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

@notalogin

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.