[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I can fix him.