*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.