Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
who will stop them
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.